Label me, please

I felt so pressured to fit into an ethnic group and be labeled that I decided to do something about it. Why did I need to attach a label to my name? Wouldn't a Jr, or the IV or something simple suffice? Robert Freeman, Black, White, Purple, or Hispanic, Jew, Asian. I didn't quite know back then which one would be appropriate. I was confused. So, I decided to visit a specialist for help:

Good morning Mr. Group Labeling Specialist, I am so confused and lost. There were no scholarships for college. I couldn't get hired since I was unable to help anybody get a tax break. The military needed a label and gave me one a long time ago. But, I can't quite identify with anybody in politics, basketball, the store, television shows...I feel so lonely, and that's why I came to you. I need you to give me an official label as to who I am so I no longer feel like such a nobody, a zero. I want to be able to hang out with my people who I don't know yet and feel some history! Then I can feel proud when one of my people get an award or dunk a ball or discover something important.

"Well that's very good of you, you're quite brave for doing so. It is important for all of us to feel like part of a group. This country is not so much a melting pot but a human stew. And it is because of this stew that has been created why you find yourself so alone. You need to remember your roots. In this manner you can have pride in your race and become part of a group. This will make you and your group stronger. Your winnings will be greater."

Sounds good doc, I am glad I came to you. I feel better already. Let's go label me!

"Yes, Bob, tell me about yourself. This way I can fit you into a label. Then companies will want you, you will get money for colleges, and other untold benefits await you that you haven't even dreamed of yet!"

Great! Well doc, my real name is Roberto.

"I am sorry to have offended you Roberto by calling you Bob."

Not a problem, here in the US I have it as Robert.

"OK Robert"

Or you can call me Bob if you're short on time.

"No, I have time. Well which do you prefer?"

I don't really care.

"Well Robert it will be."

OK. Doc, I was told I fit under white. What is white? My Greek friend is white too. But I don't have one molecule of Greek blood in me. I don’t even know what Uzo is. I have Italian friends, I love their food, but I'm not Italian.

"Well Bob from your skin color there is no doubt about it, you are white."

But Doc, is physical appearance everything? Another friend from Puerto Rico has whiter skin than I. And she is not labeled white. She is Latino. Crazy Salsa dancer too.

"Well physical is not always the primary criteria, like say in dating."

Heh heh, true, well that’s what the ugly ones say, right?!

"Now don’t judge people.”

You're right, she does have a good personality.

"Hm. You're white on the outside. Now look inside of you, who are you and what are you?"

Well, I am mostly Spanish. Then there are some Jewish roots. There is a smattering of Scottish and Irish blood too. And if I look far enough back, some American Indian.

"Boy, that's quite a mess Roberto Bob. It may get complicated and I may have to bill you extra. But it's for a worthy cause."

I was afraid of that Doc.

"Well, you said maybe some American Indian, we should ignore that since it is so small and insignificant. Scottish and Irish. That's interesting. The Scottish part won't do you any good - especially living in Boston. That's what we label white, anyway. Being white won't really get you anywhere this day in age. Jewish. Now there we may have something! Ethiopian Jewish by any chance??"

No Doc, Eastern Europe, Lithuania, Poland I think.

"Aha! That must be where Freeman comes from. Not good. I can’t label you Jewish or African American. That would have been your best bet. So far you still fall under white. Well, you said Spanish. That remains our only hope. So, where are you from?"

Madrid. I was born there. My mother is Spanish. Tapas, bulls, wine and Don Quixote Doc.

"Oh Madrid! Great. That's a beautiful city! Excellent! There are scholarships for Hispanics, Hispanics have preferences for jobs, why you could just speak Spanish and get along fine. Wait! You do have a green card? You are here legally right? Good, you know I flew to Madrid a few years ago from Dallas, and it’s not that far, we went to the Mayan ruins and..."

No Doc, Madrid, Spain, next to Portugal, across the Atlantic, it makes up the Iberian peninsula, used to be called Hispaniola, Latin language roots, we don't like the French, we colonized many American countries, Mexico, Peru, settled Florida, Puerto Rico, Cuba...

"Ah, Spain. That's right, I again need to apologize if I have offended you or your people. Wow, where is my brain! Let me see...OK you are from Spain, Latino...oooh well according to the book, Spain is in Europe and that would - SIGH - make you white also. Sorry you're not Hispanic or Latino. Say I'm going to Rio de Janeiro, how do you say YOU ARE WELCOME in Spanish?"

Oh Doc! You're saying then that I AM white?! I am not Latino? What about Hispanic? What's the difference? Am I nothing?

"Sorry Roberto, you are white, we can't get you in under African American because you're not Jewish from Ethiopia. You're too far removed from your Irish, Scottish, American Indian roots. Nor Hispanic, you're from the better side of the ocean. You just don't have the right blood in you.”

I have the WRONG blood? What are you talking about? Can I blame my parents? The government? Who??

"Let me explain. There is no wrong blood. There is just not right blood. Do you understand? I'm sorry Bob you're white. And I don't think that can be blamed on your parents. I think that's only when you murder, rape, or steal something."

I can't believe this. White?!?!? Like the Italians? Germans? Russians? Irish? British? Australians? Greeks? I don't feel like any of those people! I mean all that we have in common is red blood and yellow piss!

"I'm sorry but white it is. Feel free to cry all you want, it's different for men today."

I feel worse now than when I came here, Doc. I must be the only Spanish, Jewish, Scottish, Irish, White American person in the country. I feel worse now that I talked to. I may as well be from Mars. Being white really sucks.

Doc who made up this criteria? Can this be appealed? Can being labeled just plain American help me with anything? Will that allow me to apply for a job, or schooling, or loans, without prejudice?

"Hm. Don't really know. I have Alan Dershowitz’s number, he's still at Harvard. Try him, he performs miracles.”