Seven Derelict Observations from the Miami Airport

1.  Larry David said there are two types of people in this world that wear sunglasses indoors.  Assholes and blind people.  The Miami Airport is full of the former. 

2.  People need to bathe more often.  Water is free.  If you don't have money for water, wait for rain, go outside and clean yourself.  I certainly wouldn't want to see you naked.  But, that is less painful than having my clothes and nose filled with your stench.  If you die, your body should be donated to science to understand how a human being can transform itself into a pig. 

3.  If you have an annoying voice, don't speak.  Learn sign language. 

4.  Only women are allowed to shape their eyebrows.  If you are a man and you do it, wear a mini skirt.  It's the same thing. 

5.  Should someone call your cell phone, pick it up before it rings 18 times.  No one cares if you are getting a call.  It's probably ringing because you are playing with it to draw attention to you.  You have no family or friends that love you anyway. 

6.  Excuse me, thank you, please, you first.  This is forgotten vocabulary.  Yet, they are important words in a courteous and well mannered person's vocabulary.  I was educated by my mother and you by hound dogs.  Believe me, it will hurt if I slap you upside the head for being rude.  It's a shame there are laws preventing me from that but none against your behavior. 

7.  If you ate dog shit for lunch and you have not brushed your teeth today, don't open your mouth.  Don't speak.  Don't even breathe.  You will be doing society and the ozone layer a great favor. 

Picture and a Coffee

So, my friend wants to set me up with a colleague of his. He sent me two pictures. Yes, she is very pretty and looks amazing in a bikini. Supposedly, she is a great person.  

I'm glad that he sent full body shots. A picture of only the face scares me. I tried Match.com once. After some largely underwhelming dates, I came up with the iceberg theory. In the future, I would make it a point to first see what was below the neckline. Airplanes have seat belt extenders. There are no such things for arms.  

Yet, I am also leery of these set ups. There is possible trauma from a previous blind date setup. Some months ago, I accepted one via his wife. This girl was kind of a friend of a friend of her's. She was not too close but still within a larger circle of friends.  

The evening came. I drove to her house, picked her up and we went for dinner. She was very pretty in person as well and within acceptable size limits. For the first hour, I could not find much to criticize. Then, she got drunk.   At some point, she either had to pee or puke. I didn't ask which. So, she got up and in a sort of horizontal leapfrog, went from table to table, using the seat-backs as substitutes for a cane to keep herself upright on her way to the ladies room. Upon her return to the disappointment filled table, she told me in not so many words her plan for our future. She mentioned that if things were to work out, we could get married and have kids. Certainly, I wouldn't want a child born an alcoholic. Or marry one.

I do not remember how I reacted to her drunken plan. Today, some months hence, I cannot conceive of how I dodged, escaped or detoured away from her comment. Of course, the next day, my phone buzzed with the obligatory apologetic texts from her. I never responded. The irony was that she then told everyone that I never responded to her and therefore, I got the typical male asshole tag.  

I know my friend would not betray me like Match. He would also be a better filter.  But, this time, I'll also make sure to just go for coffee on the first date.