An Ideal State of the Union Speech

Dear Americans: 

This, my second State of the Union address, will be one of atonement.

Folks, no longer can the charades continue.  For the past 12 months, I have really messed up.  It's been quite a challenge going from community organizer to Senator and then on to the Presidency in four short years. 

I have been infatuated with reforming healthcare.  Simply, I just wanted to go down in history as the one who finally did it.  Nancy, behind me, has as well.  We never listened to you and I was selfish.  All along, I ignored the 2/3 of you that were against this health care reform. 

Bipartisanship.  I promised it.  It sounded so good.  Being frank, it helped me get elected.  Yes, I lied to you.  It started on day two when I first blamed ole Dubya.  It was just so easy.  Then it got out of control and this became the hymn for us Democrats.  

I told you, America, it would not be business as usual.  But, you know what they say back in Chicago don't you?  Friends and family are important.  Some very good friends of mine are from Louisiana, Nebraska and in the unions.  The second paragraph of the Declaration of Independence is clear, something we hold dear to our hearts, yet I have not.

I do not have the courage to fight terrorism and treat the bad guys as combatants.  Please understand my intentions were good, as were Chamberlain's so many years ago.  I felt that if we demonstrated to the world that the rule of law could prevail, then they would follow along.  Now, I know, there really are bad guys out there that want to kill all of you.

My insecurity prevents me from addressing important issues such as China, Iran and the rebirth of Russia.  Putin intimidates me - he is really tough, a man's man.  I've never been a fan of Chinese food.  Nuclear bombs scare me.  I saw Chavez of Venezuela as a misunderstood man, so much so that I read the book he gave me many times over.   

Most importantly, I have to admit that for over a year I have ignored our economy.  This has contributed directly and indirectly to our demise.  It was my belief that it would rectify itself with the billions I stole from your pockets, while I focused on healthcare and how I would look on Mt. Rushmore.

Lastly, I need to clear one more thing up with all Americans, a basic lesson in Government.  If any party should be at fault for our demise, it must be us, the Democrats.  We have controlled Congress, ever since I was just a community organizer.  Congress makes the laws and passes the laws.  For over a year, we have also controlled the Presidency.  Now, things are worse now than ever.  

In closing, please support Republicans in November, just as Massachusetts did a few days back, because we, Democrats, have really screwed America.

Thank you and may God Bless America once again in 2011.